Rumors are spreading that the U.S. Supreme Court will vote 5-4 to rule that a U.S. president cannot be prosecuted for anything he does while he is president. Some Democrats are suggesting that Joe Biden bring a gun to his first debate with Donald Trump. If he shoots Trump, he would be immune, but if Trump shoots Biden he would be prosecuted because he is not a sitting president. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said in a speech to a private right-wing audience that the immunity ruling should only apply to Donald Trump, while Justice Samuel Alito has gone further, proposing that immunity should apply to all Republican presidents, but not to Democratic presidents because Democrats are not true Americans.

The National Rifle Administration issued a statement that even if Biden is not immune, he should be acquitted of shooting Trump if Trump raises his voice during the debate, thus triggering a Stand Your Ground defense in Biden’s favor.

Ever since Trump told the same story three times during a campaign speech in New Hampshire, his campaign team has been afraid that their candidate would appear senile in a debate with Biden. So they welcomed the rumored immunity ruling as a good excuse to avoid facing Biden in a debate.

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)