Release of a secretly recorded conversation between President Donald Trump and Joe Biden revealed the shocking news that Trump is actually a mole who has infiltrated the Republican Party and is working to get Biden elected president. In exchange, when he becomes president, Biden will refuse to prosecute Trump and his family for money laundering, financial fraud and the nine crimes of obstruction of justice delineated in the Mueller Report.

Trump was a registered Democrat from 2001 until 2009. Between 1989 and 2010, he contributed money to the election campaigns of 48 different Democratic candidates. Among them were Hillary Clinton (7 times), Chuck Schumer (11 times), Ted Kennedy (5 times), John Kerry (7 times), Charles Rangel (13 times) and Kamala Harris (3 times). In 2001, he even contributed money to Joe Biden. Trump also made large contributions to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (10 times) and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (8 times).

As recently as 2013, Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, and her husband, Jared Kushner, hosted a fundraiser for Democrat Cory Booker.

Trump and his family have dismissed this extensive support for Democrats as “good for business,” considering that he also contributed to the campaigns of Republican candidates. However, it now appears that Donald Trump fully supports the Democratic Party over the Republican Party. As he said on CNN in 2004, “It just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats than the Republicans.”

According to a transcript released to AllGov by an outraged Republican, Trump recently told Biden, “I think I’ve done a great job of pushing a lot of voting groups away from the Republicans. Minorities of all kinds—done. Young people—done. Suburban white women—done. Now I’ve turned the military and veterans against the Republicans. That should help you a lot. My next goal is to alienate Evangelical Christians. It’ll be hard, but they’re like sheep; turn a couple of the leaders and all the rest will follow.”

Biden thanks Trump and promises not to reveal their conversation. Then Trump adds, “But my big strategy is to hold rallies in battleground states, tell my supporters not to wear masks and instead to link arms. So many of them will end up dying before the election, it’ll be great.”

Biden tells Trump that maybe that is going too far, but Trump dismisses his concern. “It’ll be great,” he repeats.

“Another thing,” says Trump. “You say a lot of stupid things. So what I’ll do, every day I’ll say or tweet something so outrageous that the media will only pay attention to me and ignore you. That’ll make it easier for you.”

Before hanging up, Trump reminds Biden that he also needs to be protected from non-federal fraud charges in New York, New Jersey and elsewhere. Biden replies, “Don’t worry, Donald, you can count on me.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)