In a wide-ranging press conference in which he took no questions, Donald Trump announced that the official name of the Republican Party will be changed to the Trumpican Party. Said Trump, “Any politician who insists on continuing to call himself a Republican will be primaried or even worse.”

He also announced that at the first televised meeting of his cabinet, each cabinet member will be required to praise him. “It worked the first time in 2017 [start at 12:25], so we’ll do it again in 2025, except I want more personal praise of me and talk of complete loyalty. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.

“One more thing, those cabinet members and members of the Trumpican Party in Congress who have not appeared regularly on Fox News will be required to take a screen test. Those who fail will be required to take acting classes.”

Trump went on to remind Americans that God had chosen him as their savior. “You saw what I did with those fires in California. That’s what they get for voting against me. Other states that voted against me will also get hit by disasters, That includes New York, Illinois and little New York, you know, New Jersey. States that voted for me will be free of natural disasters as long as I’m president. So congratulations to Texas, Florida, Pennsylvania and all those other loyal states.”

-David Wallechinsky

For More Information:

Trump Announces Creation of New Religion: Trumpianity