In a shocking announcement that stunned international observers, U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump revealed that, after speaking with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Trump will drop his previous support for the Russian invasion of Ukraine and begin supporting Ukraine instead. 

 

“To begin with,” explained Trump, “I will give Ukraine a THAAD advanced missile system, just like we gave Israel. Biden helped Israel shoot down missiles from Iran, but refused to help Ukraine in the same way against Russia. I will do both. It’s good for business, creating profits and jobs for Lockheed Martin. We will also send Ukraine F-15 fighter jets, which is good for Boeing, and F-35 fighter jets, which will provide more profits and jobs for Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grumman and BAE Systems. We’ll also send the Ukrainians all the other stuff Zelenskyy asked for.”

 

In a conference call, journalists asked Zelenskyy how he convinced Trump to switch sides. “It was easy,” he replied. “I told him that if he gave us the weapons we need and stopped supporting Putin, we would let him build Trump-branded hotels and other Trump-branded buildings in Ukraine’s ten largest cities, as well as Trump golf courses in the countryside. He was quite excited.” 

 

One journalist pointed out that some of these cities have been reduced to rubble by Russian bombing and need major rebuilding. Zelenskyy said this was not a problem. Trump will be given the choice of which companies will be in charge of reconstruction. Trump told Zelenskyy he will pass on responsibility for choosing the contractors to Elon Musk, who was on the call with Trump and Zelenskyy.

                                                                                                                                                                                 -David Wallechinsky