In a stunning turnaround, President Donald Trump apologized to the American people for the growing number of deaths attributed to the Covid-19 virus. Although the United States accounts for only 4% of the world’s population, the nation has sustained 28% of the coronavirus-caused deaths.

In a series of tweets, Trump said, “I’m sorry I didn’t act sooner and I’m sorry that I’ve pushed to open up the country before the pandemic is under control. As you know, I’ve added my name to the stimulus checks that Americans have received. Now I’ve asked to add my name to the death certificates of all Americans who die of the coronavirus from now on.”

Health officials nationwide were elated by the president’s gesture. Within Trump’s inner circle, however, the response was mixed. Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told the media, “This just proves that President Trump is the greatest leader in the history of the world. And this is a wonderful reason to re-elect him in November.” Others were more cautious. Speaking anonymously, for fear of losing his/her job, one person in the White House said, “This is the first time in his life that Trump has apologized for anything. He has never before shown remorse or taken responsibility for something that has gone wrong. Consequently, there is increasing concern that he may be suffering from a brain tumor.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)