U.S. President Joe Biden has ordered Secretary of State Antony Blinken to inform dictators who cooperate with the United States that if they need to murder—and even dismember—their opponents while the opponents are abroad, the Biden administration will not condemn them.

As Biden prepares to meet with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, who ordered the murder and dismemberment of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Blinken explained to Biden that other dictators have reached out to the State Department to find out if they too can be excused if they murder and dismember their opponents.

“What’s good for our Arab allies should be good for our allies in other parts of the world,” Biden is alleged to have told Blinken.

“May we pass this on to Paul Kagame in Rwanda?” asked Blinken. “He’s ordered the recent  murders of many of his critics who were exiled in South Africa and Mozambique.

“Of course,” replied Biden, “It’s only fair.”

“Would it be alright if we let Condoleezza Rice tell Kagame personally? She’s a longtime supporter of Kagame.”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” enthused Biden. “She’s a Republican, so we can sell this as a bipartisan policy.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)