In an attempt to end the war caused by Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, U.S. President Donald Trump has offered to return Alaska to Russia in exchange for Russia pulling its troops from Eastern Ukraine.

The United States purchased Alaska from Russia in 1867. Russian dictator Vladimir Putin said he would agree to the proposal if Trump also returned Fort Ross and the Russian River in California, Russia sold Fort Ross to Mexican citizen John Sutter in 1841. Delighted by the idea of getting rid of part of the state of California, Trump agreed. Greatly amused by Trump’s gullibility, Putin also agreed to the new treaty with the condition that Russian troops be allowed to stay in Ukraine. Again, Trump agreed, although a few of his advisors delicately explained to Trump that if the deal went through, Ukraine would gain nothing, while Putin would win everything.

“So what?” replied Trump.

“But the United States would also gain nothing,” ventured concerned aides.

Thump seemed befuddled until Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller suggested that such a deal would make Trump look like a “loser.” So the agreement is currently on hold.

David Wallechinsky

(satire)