In a move that stunned even some of his most ardent followers, President Donald Trump deported Vice-President JD Vance and his wife Usha Vance.

According to aides who were present when Trump discussed the issue, but who choose to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, Trump said he was sick of Vance and wanted to fire him. “I wanted him to be my attack dog,” said Trump, “but he appears foolish on television. He dropped the college football trophy. He met with Pope Francis and the next day the pope died. Vance is toxic, and I don’t want him to come near me. He just doesn’t look as good on television as I thought he would.”

Aides explained to Trump that even though he could fire almost anyone else, he couldn’t fire the vice-president because Vance was elected.

Annoyed, Trump said, “Then let’s deport him.”

Reminded that Vance is a U.S. citizen, Trump replied. “That’s perfect. When people find out that I’ve deported Vance, all American citizens will be afraid to cross me. This is great.”

One aide timidly pointed out that not looking good on TV was not a persuasive reason for deportation, Trump ordered them to, “Use his tattoos. He has so many, one of them is bound to be of a terrorist gang. If not, what’s the point of having AI if you can’t just make it look like he has one. Send him to El Salvador, and give what’s his name, the president there, some more money.”

Then Trump added that he wanted Vance’s wife, Usha, deported as well. “She’s a Muslim,” he insisted. Aides reminded Trump that Usha Vance was not a Muslim, but a Hindu.”

“Close enough,” said Trump. “She’s not a Christian, and she’s not even white. Send her back to where she came from.”

Aides explained that Usha Vance was born in California.

“Figures,” snarled Trump. Where are her parents from?”

India.

“Send her there,” ordered Trump.

JD Vance is now in the CECOT prison in El Salvador. Usha Vance is in a women’s prison in Lucknow, India. Their three children are with relatives in the United States.

David Wallechinsky

(satire)