In a move that caught many by surprise, U.S. President Donald Trump cancelled all economic sanctions against Iran and Venezuela. In a tweet, Trump said, “Iran and Venezuela have met the requirements for restarting business with us.”

Because he did not elaborate, it was left to Iran’s foreign ministry spokesperson, Bahram Ghasemi, to explain the sudden change. “We offered Trump land to build a residential tower in Tehran and a second one in Isfahan with a promise that the tenants would not be allowed to change the buildings’ names from Trump Tower for ten years upon threat of death. We also turned over two large clothing businesses to Ivanka Trump with the right to manufacture and market hijabs and chadors and granted her husband a trademark to produce cannabis products with the name Hindu Kushner.”

Impressed by Iran’s success in dealing with Trump, Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro offered Trump, free of charge, the right to construct Trump Towers in Caracas, Maracaibo, Valencia, Barquisimeto and Maracay. Going Iran one better, Maduro added a painting of Trump to the golden dome of Caracas’ Federal Legislative Palace. He also nominated Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize, The Genius Hall of Fame and a Golden Globes award in the category of his choice.

Trump’s decision was met with undisguised joy by the CEOs of ExxonMobil, Valero Energy, Schlumberger Drilling, Halliburton and Chevron, who noted in a joint statement that, coincidentally, Venezuela and Iran have the first and fourth largest oil reserves in the world.

David Wallechinsky

(satire)